Tag: Inspiration
How to Avoid Living a Life you Regret
In 2009, Bronnie Ware wrote a blog post about her experiences as a palliative nurse. She worked caring for patients during the last twelve weeks of their lives and made note of their most common regrets.
This blog post went viral, gaining over a million views in a year and landing her a book deal. Her book, ‘The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying’, sells well to this day and, in this blog post, I’m going to explore these regrets, offering you solutions for how to avoid missing out on what’s most important in life.
Regret Number 1: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
Regret Number 2: I Wish I hadn’t Worked so Hard
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. . . All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
Why are you working so hard? Beyond the need to put food on your table, which is totally understandable, why are you busting your balls for a job that would replace you within a week?
Is it a misguided sense of loyalty? Is it societal conditioning, making you think you’re a slacker if you don’t work beyond your contracted hours?
Why do you do it?
If the reason is anything other than necessity or because you love your work, then start cutting back.
- Refuse to work beyond your contracted hours (at least on a regular basis).
- Perhaps consider finding a job where you only work 30 hours a week.
- Perform your role in a freelance capacity so you can be in charge of your time.
- Use the Gig economy to mix and match jobs so you have a healthy amount of free time.
You may think these suggestions are naive, and that financial, and work practice necessities won’t allow for such freedom, but what choice have you got?
Would you rather end up on your death bed, regretting spending 40 to 50 hours a week of pretty much your entire adult life being somewhere you didn’t want to be, doing things you didn’t want to do?
Regret Number 3: I wish I’d had the Courage to Express my Feelings
“Many people supressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”
Don’t keep it locked inside. Whether it’s at work, in a relationship or creatively, you must express yourself.
This might mean telling your team you have an idea for a new product or that you think a campaign should go in a new direction. It might mean telling your boss you’re not happy about a situation.
In a relationship, it might mean expressing your love for another person without fear they’ll reject you. Or, it could mean expressing something you’re not happy about without fear of offending them.
There might be things you want to say and create. Maybe you have a message to share with the world but are afraid how people will react to it. Perhaps there’s a product you want to build, or a picture you want to paint, but are concerned it might fail.
Whatever the case, and in whatever the situation, do not fear the consequences. Far worse than ridicule or rejection, is the possibility of illness or loss of spirit.
Bronnie Ware mentions that, ‘Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried.’ Cortisol, the stress hormone, has been linked with a multitude of illnesses and conditions from hyperglycemia to suppressed thyroid function and high blood pressure.
On top of that, nobody loves a bland personality. Sure, they might leave you alone and think you’re OK, but to trigger deeper emotions, you must stand for something and be willing to express it. Just look at Muhammad Ali, never afraid to express his feelings and opinions, he went from being vilified to universally loved.
Regret Number 4: I Wish I had Stayed in Touch with my Friends
“Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years.”
Why do we lose touch with our friends? To answer that question, we must look at where most people spend their time and what they prioritize.
The average working week in the UK is 42 hours and 18 minutes. That’s not all, though, as you can expect an average commute of nearly an hour a day.
When we’re not working or commuting, if we’re married, it’s likely we’re spending time with our family. Where we once lived in tribes, villages or communities, The System is driving us into ever smaller family units. We have our husband or wife, our one to three children and that’s it. The old saying, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ no longer applies. Time spent apart from the family is viewed as selfish and, as a result, we must give up our friends and pastimes.
To find a solution to this regret, you must fight societies conditioning and rethink current ways of working and living. Perhaps working longer, in attempt to get wealthier, isn’t the answer. Maybe spending more time with your family, in an attempt to appear selfless, isn’t either.
What would happen if you worked less and focused more on your quality of life? And, would your relationship actually improve if you spent less time with your significant other and more time engaged in soul enriching activities like seeing friends, travelling and hobbies?
You have a choice. If you want to create a new societal norm then you must take stand. The status quo is maintained because of apathy and acquiescence. Start saying ‘no’ and it gives others permission to do the same.
Regret Number 5: I Wish that I had let Myself be Happier
“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.”
Avoid a ‘I’ll be happy when . . .’ mentality. I’ve met people who won’t allow themselves to be happy because they haven’t got a job. Sometimes, I don’t allow my happiness to flow as freely because I’m not yet a bestselling author and, am so focused on that goal, I forget what’s important in life.
For you, it might be because you’re not in a relationship or because you don’t have children. You might be a perfectionist and find it hard to be happy unless everything in your life is perfect (good luck with that one!).
Whenever I lose sight of the fact that happiness is a choice, I remind myself of a Tyler Durden quote, “This is the greatest moment of your life and you’re off somewhere missing it.”
All you have is right now! This moment. That’s it. If you can’t be happy with it then what makes you think, two or three years down the line when you achieve the goal you imagine your happiness is dependent upon, you will be then? You won’t. You’ll just be looking for a new goal to achieve or circumstance you imagine is blocking your happiness to be put right.
Break out of this cycle. You don’t want to look back on your life and realize there was nothing preventing you from being happy. What could you experience and achieve today if you live with that knowledge?
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What I Learned from being Fired 3 Times in 5 Months
Almost twenty years ago to the day, I got fired from a filing job at a major UK residential property developer.
I lasted four hours!
The manager called the temporary agency I was working for at the time and complained about my lackadaisical work ethic and lack of filing experience.
I couldn’t believe it. Who needs experience for a filing job? However, as I took my leave from the office and began the premature journey home to my parents’ house, it all began to make sense.
The day had started ominously. There were no pleasantries when I arrived, no shake of the hand or ‘how are you?‘. Instead, I was shown to a desk, some paperwork was dumped in front of me and I was told to file it.
Ten minutes in, I was bored out of my brain. Their instructions were vague and, I was so demotivated, I didn’t bother asking the manager for clarification. I just muddled through, making it up as I went along and counting down the hours until lunch break.
When I got the phone call from my agency, informing me of my dismissal, I was actually relieved. Despite being a little embarrassed I didn’t last a full day, I couldn’t wait to get out of the office.
The entire morning had been spent clock watching and contemplating my recent employment record. In the previous five months, I’d had six different placements. I’d been dismissed from three of them.
In the month leading up to Christmas, I’d worked in a retail store. At the time, they said I was needed for the holiday period and new year. After Christmas, they informed me they didn’t want me back.
After that, I had a two-week spell doing data entry for a local company. Again, they weren’t interested in keeping me on.
I then went to a local sign making factory and was put to work filing the steel and working in the post room. They fired me after a day.
The agency then thought it best to find me non-office related work. As a result, I was sent to wash dishes at a few different kitchens. This, I managed to complete without being fired. Although I didn’t enjoy the work, the shifts were shorter and, as a result, my boredom wasn’t as apparent.
Having managed to successfully see out these temporary dish washing contracts, the agency thought I might, once again, be ready for office work.
I wasn’t, though, and not only did the ‘four-hour firing’ episode bring an end to my time in this environment, it also brought a close to my reliance on agency work.
Follow Your Inspiration
As I made my way back home, I was buzzing. There was a question running through my mind.
I was done with boring jobs. I knew that. I wasn’t going to spend another hour of my life sitting in an office, wasting away. However, I was also contemplating whether I needed to do anything I didn’t enjoy ever again. Could I use this huge level of inspiration I was feeling as a guide and ride it all the way to the life of my dreams?
I’ve thought about that moment many times since. In some ways, it represents a crossroad in my life. However, rather than taking one path or the other, the conventional or the inspired, I set off walking a middle ground.
I never rode the wave of inspiration and I certainly did plenty of work and tasks I didn’t enjoy in the subsequent years. However, I’ve also followed my heart and made decisions based on what inspires me.
Now, having reaped the rewards of following my inspiration, I look back and wonder whether I could have pushed the envelope even further.
What would have happened if I did? Was there any potential failure or consequence so great it would have stopped me?
I ask these questions for two reasons. 1. I like to look back to learn for the future. 2. It might bear some relevance to you.
It’s no secret that worker satisfaction levels are pitifully low. I mention in my upcoming book ‘Do The Work you Love’ that, according to 2012 Right Management survey of the US and Canadian workforce, 81% of people in employed roles don’t enjoy their jobs.
Perhaps you are one of these people. Perhaps, like me twenty years ago, you’ve wondered whether you can just walk out on your job tomorrow and let your inspiration guide you to a new life.
Is it possible?
After twenty years of tentatively following mine, here are my thoughts.
The Journey
In short, my answer is ‘Yes’. I believe it would be possible to quit your job tomorrow and use your inspiration as a guide to create, and live, the life of your dreams. However, before I elaborate on my thinking, let’s define what following your inspirations means.
Following your inspiration means making decisions based on what excites you the most. For example, let’s say you’re inspired by the idea of writing screenplays. You already know that your present job, as a financial analyst, is not your dream, so you quit and begin a new adventure.
You hand in your notice (in practise, you might then have to work a few more weeks) and start working on your first screenplay the very next day.
It’s great fun. You’re learning every day, making progress and excited about the end product. You continue working away, regardless of your financial situation, because this is what inspires you. This is where the magic is at.
Months down the line, when the screenplay is finished, you begin shopping it around. Perhaps you’re successful and, only a few weeks into looking for interested parties, a studio wants to buy your script.
More than likely, you’re not and, as the months continue to pass, financial concerns start to play on your mind. You realise that, while you continue to shop your screenplay, you’re going to have to get another job. Of course, you don’t want to repeat your previous mistake and get trapped in a job you don’t enjoy, so you look for work that interests and excites you.
Perhaps you find it. Perhaps you don’t. Ultimately, you might have to take any job you can get in order to pay the bills. However, you’re still following your inspiration because you haven’t given up on your dream.
While working, you keep searching for interested studios or agents. If that continues to fail then, maybe, you shelve your first project and begin working on a second. You learn from your previous mistakes and create a superior script. Once complete, you again look for interested parties.
You keep repeating this pattern until you’re successful. Or, perhaps, you reach a point where writing screenplays no longer inspires you. Instead, you become more excited by the idea of taking your newfound writing skills and creating a health and fitness blog.
Perhaps the blog is successful and maintains your interest. Perhaps it doesn’t.
By now, you should understand what living an inspiration led life entails. You keep going and going, either being successful at making a living from your passion or, being inspired by a new idea and making a go of that.
Of course, while walking this path, you may have to do stints of paid work you don’t enjoy. Don’t worry if this is the case. So long as this doesn’t become your main focus, and is only undertaken until you’ve saved up enough money to make another concerted effort at making a living from your passion, then it’s ok. Eventually, you will hit upon an idea or a career that both inspires you and generates enough money for you to live on.
This is what following your inspiration looks like. Yes, it’s risky and you may have little money for vacations and consumer items. You may even be constantly on the verge of going broke. However, you’re alive!
You know why you’re living and every day is filled with purpose. This more than compensates for all the ups and downs and uncertainty you experience in the lead up to becoming successful.
But what happens if your inspiration is telling you to quit your job yet you don’t have a clue about what you might do? Can you still take the risk?
What to do if you Don’t have a Clue
Twenty years ago, I had no idea what my dream might be. As I walked back home, buzzing off the combination of a brilliant song and an exciting idea, my energy levels were at a peak. However, as great as I was feeling, there was no immediate outlet to channel my energy.
What do you do in a situation like this? Can you still quit your job the next day, simply believing you’ll find something?
If you decide to take this risk then you must master your energy.
To have an inspiring idea, you must be inspired. Release all of your doubts, fears and questions. Only then will you have the clarity of mind needed to discover an outlet for your inspiration.
It might take you a week, six months or even a year. However, if you remain inspired, regardless of what’s going on around you, a path will emerge.
It’s also important to realise this path might not lead you into a new career or business idea. It may simply lead you to travel. Or, perhaps, like Gregory Howe, author of the book Chasing Points, it might encourage you to set out on a new adventure – aged 34 he decided to quit his job as a school teacher and pursue his long cherished dream of becoming a world ranked tennis professional.
Whatever the case, the longer you remain inspired, the greater the chance you’ll discover an outlet to support you in a way that brings excitement and meaning. New acquaintances that lead to inspiring work can be made while travelling. An adventure, even if unsuccessful, might develop the character and skills needed to be successful in another endeavour. (While Gregory Howe didn’t become a regular fixture on the professional tour, he was able to write a book about his experiences and make money through the sales).
Inspiration is the source through which all of your great ideas flow. Therefore, don’t worry about the temporary loss of income caused by quitting your job. Instead, do whatever it takes to stay inspired and see where the path leads you.
Conclusion
I don’t want to tell you what to do. Afterall, everybody’s situation is different and I couldn’t possible know your circumstances. At best, all I can do is share my experiences with you and hope that something strikes a chord.
Despite my enthusiasm, I didn’t follow my inspiration all the way to the life of my dreams. Sometimes, I ignored it and made decisions based on what I believed were financial necessities at the time. As a result, I can’t say with any certainty what would have happened on that day, twenty years ago, if I’d refused to do anything that didn’t inspire me and lived in accordance with my heart. However, having lived a semi-inspired life since then, I can offer you some insights.
I don’t think basing all of your decisions on what inspires you is a recipe for disaster. In fact, the penalties for doing so are more psychological than real. Unless your dream requires you to put your life on the line, or take long term risks with your health, there is nothing to fear.
What are the consequences of starting a new business and failing?
You might lose a substantial amount of money. As a result of this, you might have to move back in with your parents. You won’t be able to buy the things you like or go on vacation. Savings you were setting aside for your first home may have gone.
While all of these outcomes are undesirable, none of them are life threatening.
Let’s look at another scenario.
What are the consequences of pursuing your dream of being a successful actor and failing?
Again, you might lose some of your savings while you support yourself on this adventure. Furthermore, for the five or so years you were trying to make it as an actor, other areas of your life, like relationships, may fail to advance. Then again, perhaps you’ve met some fantastic people on your journey and fallen in love.
Certainly, you’ll have fallen behind your peers in mainstream work. If you were to now re-enter, you might have to bear the indignity of them being in senior positions to you.
Again, I ask you, are any of these consequences life threatening?
No, none of them are. The money can be recouped and the relationships rekindled. The only damage you might suffer is to your self-esteem and this can be protected. Furthermore, surely, you’d feel better about yourself for having tried? Theodore Roosevelt once said,
“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again . . .
who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best in the end knows the triumph of high achievement, and at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
and I agree. The worst-case scenario is that you get to the end of your life and regret never having followed your heart.
Therefore, you have two options.
You can be like me, adopting a ‘dip your toe in the water’ approach to following your inspiration and take years upon years to be successful.
Or, you can plunge straight in, run the risk of enduring some scary moments and trying times, but potentially transform your life in a matter of a few years.
The choice is yours. Just don’t spend your life playing it safe, never having known what it feels like to be alive.
(image taken from LeonH photostream flickr.com)
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How Strong is your Will to Survive?
My Grandma died last month. She was one hundred and one, 2 months shy of her one hundred and second birthday.
Over the years, I watched her pass through the various stages of deterioration. Amazingly, she was still walking and completely independent up until the age of 96. At that point, she had a fall, lost her confidence and, from then on, relied on a walking frame.
Despite this setback, she fought to maintain her independence and remained in her home until she reached her 100th birthday. She then moved into a local care home.
While in the care home, she still battled away. I visited her 3 times a year (my mum would make the journey to Yorkshire monthly). Throughout this time, her spirits remained high. She had little to do, as she spent more and more time in her chair, but she was always happy to see us and her mind was focused on living. Even as her eyesight began to fail, and she could no longer watch TV or read, she was still, largely, positive.
Then, after a visit from her new born great grandson, she started to weaken. She reported feeling tired and a couple of weeks after that, lost the ability to swallow.
This was the beginning of the end. At that age, no intravenous fluids are administered and the human body typically lasts no more than three to four days without water.
She lasted five.
I was with her two days before she passed. Despite being laid out in bed, unable to see, eat or drink, she still fought on. I heard the continual cycle of shallow gasps, followed by about five minutes of regular breathing, and wondered what she was living for?
Why did she hold on?
Keep Fighting
My Grandma always had a strong survival instinct. She never talked about death. She didn’t even talk about getting old. She just wanted to live.
At times, I wondered why.
During her final year, her quality of life was negligible. In fact, it had been diminishing ever since she’d had the fall aged 96. She had very little to do (being immobile) and very little stimulation. Human contact was all she had. My mum visited regularly and so did a couple of local friends.
That being said, she still spent a large amount of time on her own, in a bedroom, with only the noise of the TV to entertain her.
‘What kind of life is this?’ I thought, when I visited her the time before last. ‘Why doesn’t she just give up and let go? I would in a similar situation.’
However, now, I’m not so sure. Being with my Grandma in her final few days filled me with a huge sense of admiration. She had nothing to live for yet kept on fighting.
The family theory was that she’d been living to meet her great grandson and, once she’d done this, she gave up. I disagreed. While she was undoubtedly looking forwards to meeting Arlo, and it certainly gave her something to live for, there just simply wasn’t any quit in her. Life had to be taken.
Of course, in the end, it was. Even the people with the strongest survival instincts will eventually have their light extinguished. However, this isn’t the point.
We need to focus on the lessons these fighters can teach us. Why do they cling to life so desperately?
Is this all we’ve got?
You may not like my answer and, secretly, I hope it’s wrong. Watching my Grandma cling to life so desperately, when she seemed to have nothing to live for, made me think this is all we’ve got!
No heaven or hell or afterlife or spiritual dimensions. When that mortal light goes out, that’s it. Game over. We cease to exist in any shape or form.
Perhaps, subconsciously, we know this. We know there’s nothing else and that’s why we place such a high value on survival, even when our lives are shitty.
Of course, you may point to suicide – the number one killer of men in England and Wales between the ages of 20 and 49 – and claim it shoots down my theory.
Maybe so. Then again, people who voluntarily kill themselves would almost certainly be categorised as mentally ill and, therefore, not acting in their right mind.
Whatever the case, it’s clear the desire to survive has a lot to do with not wanting to lose the gift of life.
I understand this. When you stop to think about it, life is magical.
You get to wake in the morning, see a brilliant sunrise and listen to the birds sing. As I write this, the sun is descending and there’s a majestic red hue to the blue sky. Sights like these are precious. Still, they only represent the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the experiences life offers.
What about love? You can have an amazing spiritual and physical connection with another being which makes you feel alive in ways you never imagined possible.
What about creation? Whether it’s a child, a book, a product or a project, you get to create something that might have an inspiring impact on another person.
And what about the arts and sports? You get to listen to music which moves your soul, watch films that inspire and connect with a deeper part of your being and see paintings that transport you to another place and time. Then, you get to move your body in incredible ways, overcome challenges and feel the thrill of succeeding.
Furthermore, you get to explore. You get to discover the richness of life on earth, taking in all the spectacular scenes, smells and people.
Finally, what about being? Without any stimulus at all, you can still experience those quiet, still moments and feel connected to life.
When faced with oblivion, I could see why someone would want to cling to this with everything they’ve got.
Final Thoughts
My purpose in writing this is not to challenge your hopes or beliefs in an afterlife. It may well exist. Instead, my intention is to get you to appreciate the magic of being alive.
If this is all we’ve got, then you must make the most of it. Give more than ever, both of your talents and help when it’s needed. Dare to go for what you want. Fearlessly explore the avenues that could lead to greater love, freedom and expression. Appreciate each breath you take, each meal you eat and every sunset or full moon you see. Recognise it for the gift it is.
And, above all, don’t waste your time. Don’t spend your life doing things that make you unhappy. Don’t get distracted by mindless TV, trivia, social media or the internet. Don’t allow anxiety to take residence in your mind and prevent you from experiencing life to the fullest.
Live as much as you can. Get as much as you can out of life. Cling to it with every breath you have.
This is the lesson I took from witnessing my Grandma in her final few days. It reminded me of the Dylan Thomas poem ‘Do Not go Gentle into that Good night’. I don’t know whether my Grandma was a fan, but, somehow, it seems relevant.
“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they,
Do not go gentle into that good night.”
My Mum read a eulogy at my Grandma’s funeral. Towards the end, she talked about the lessons she’d learned from her. With this being a personal development website, I thought it appropriate to end with them,
“Stay active, have an enquiring mind, take on new hobbies, never think of yourself as old and never leave the house without make up!!”
IN LOVING MEMORY OF JOYCE THOMPSON, 22ND NOVEMBER 1916 – 12TH SEPTEMBER 2018
(Picture n1: Taken circa 2002, me and my Grandma.)
(Picture n2: Taken in Northallerton, North Yorkshire on the morning of my Grandma’s funeral. In the background are the Hambleton Hills, her birthplace.)
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Why you Shouldn’t Give up on your Dreams
I was talking to one of my tennis students today about her interest in drama and singing. I suggested she might want to pursue it professionally when she left school or university.
Her response was that it would never work. Apparently, to make a career as an actress you have to be incredibly lucky. She also mentioned that most people performing in West End shows are barely able to make a living.
I was disappointed to hear this. I don’t know how passionate she is about acting (I know she likes it a lot), so I don’t want to presume that it’s her dream. However, I was more disappointed to hear that a 15 year old already had this kind of belief system.
Where did she get it from?
At a guess, possibly parents and friends, most likely from fellow students or teachers at her drama class and receiving rejections from auditions. All of these voices and experiences, when delivered from figures of authority we’ve been taught to respect, bypass the critical, reasoning faculty of our mind and form limiting beliefs in our subconscious. We accept them as The Truth, but do we ever take time to analyse or attempt to discredit them?
The conversation reminded me of my own thinking when I was 22. At the time, I wanted to write a best selling personal development book but all I heard from my parents, another author and the media (reading magazine articles/writers’ handbook), was that this was an impossibility. There was no money in being an author, apparently. Furthermore, the chances of getting published were so remote it wasn’t even worth trying. Basically, it was down to luck. It was a total shot in the dark, so did I really want to invest all that time on something that might never work out?
Unfortunately, I believed these voices. I accepted them as The Truth. Whenever I contemplated my dream of becoming a best selling personal development author, a subconscious feeling of embarking on an impossible journey was triggered.
However, I persisted. I imagined my life as lawyer, accountant, working in a corporation etc as being so dull and out of sync with who I was, I reasoned that I may as well go for my crazy dream. What did I have to lose?
Many years later, I can see how that initial belief held me back. I never threw myself into my dream with the vigor that might have enabled me to be successful.
I don’t have that belief anymore. By challenging it, I can see there are a lot of grey areas when it comes to achieving a dream society declares impossible or dependent on luck. Here are some of them;
1. Almost everybody accepts the conventional way of thinking. They also believe the chances of achieving a ‘crazy dream’ are minuscule. This is actually to your advantage. It means that, if you persist, most of your competition is going to drop out, so the competition for places is not as intense as you think.
2. Although you may not achieve your dream, you can still make a living from it. Aim for the moon and you may hit a star, right? Although this quote makes zero cosmological sense, you get the idea. Despite what The System would have you believe, achieving a crazy dream isn’t always black and white. You might fail to becoming a best selling author or star in Hollywood films, but you might sell enough copies of your book to get by or land enough acting roles on TV or the stage to make it work. Isn’t that good enough? Sure, you’d rather accomplish the goal you set out to achieve, but it beats a load of other alternatives.
3. Luck isn’t necessary. Your own hard work will forge a path. When you challenge a system held truth (nobody makes money as an author, being a professional actress is all about luck), and PROVE to yourself that it isn’t, it messes with your head (in a good way). You discover that the world doesn’t work in the way you were led to believe. Your hard work and clarity of purpose, DOES make a tangible impact. As Steve Jobs said,
“The minute you understand that you can poke life and something will pop out the other side, that you can change it, you can mold it, that’s maybe the most important thing. To shake off this erroneous notion that life is there and you’re just gonna live in it.”
However, to get to this place, you have to challenge accepted beliefs. If you’re never take this step, the world will always conform to the way it’s been presented to you.
(Image taken from Deneb Catalan photostream flickr.com)
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What to do if You’re Thinking About Giving Up on Your Dream
Yet another failure! As I checked the sign ups to my newsletter, my heart sank.
I’d heard good things about Facebook Ads. Authorities I respected said they were a great way to gain exposure and increase your following. Of course, you had to pay, but I didn’t mind as long as I saw a return.
That was the problem, though, there were no returns. Despite paying close to £500 on filming a video, editing and the ads themselves, I received no more than a handful of subscribers to my website. Yet another failure.
Of course, on its own, this failure was not catastrophic. However, when it’s the tip of a humongous iceberg, that stretches back 16 years, it’s hard to process.
It reminds me of a time, back in 2003, when I was struggling to get tennis coaching clients and wasn’t sure if I could make enough money to continue working.
It reminds me of a time, back in 2005, when I was spending money on advertising, to build awareness for my new hypnotherapy business, and nothing seemed to work.
It reminds me of my early and mid-twenties when I couldn’t get a date. No matter how many girls I asked, or what tactic or approach I used, nobody was interested.
And this mentions nothing of the struggles I’ve experienced attempting to become a personal development author and speaker. I had to rewrite my book four times, as I learned to gather and present my thoughts in a coherent fashion.
Even when the book was published, the failures continued. The next 6 years saw setback after setback as I attempted to learn the steps to building a brand and promoting my work.
Of course, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom. Over the years, there have been many successes. I got enough tennis coaching and hypnotherapy clients to build a successful business. I found the love of my life. Many copies of my book have been sold and I’ve received a lot of satisfying feedback on my work. However, my recent experience with Facebook Ads reminded me of those moments during my twenties when I just wanted to give up.
I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this way. Many of you reading this will have had similar experiences. There’s something you want to do with your life, something you care about so much, yet no matter how hard you work and no matter what strategy you try, all you’re met with is a closed door.
Sounds familiar?
Well, if that’s the case, then I want to share something with you. I want to give you the strategy and reasoning process that got me through. I’m going to explain the dilemma you face, what your options are and help you understand what to do in these testing moments.
The Options
When considering giving up on your dreams, the first thing to understand is that your options are limited. You only have two (although there are sub-divisions within these options). They are,
Stick at what you’re doing.
Or,
Return to The System’s Path.
Unless home schooled (and even then, it’s difficult to completely escape its influence), you will have walked The System’s Path. It begins when you’re taught about the importance of getting good grades. These, you are told, will help you get into University. Once at University, you then have to get a good degree – life’s golden ticket and the route through which you secure a ‘good job’.
Once you get this job, though, the chase isn’t over. You must now pursue promotion after promotion, hoping you can earn enough money to retire early and wait to die in relative comfort.
Even if you don’t go the University route, you’re still indoctrinated on the importance of earning money. You have to trade your time for financial reward. It doesn’t matter how you do it (as long as it doesn’t break the law), and the subject of whether you enjoy it is irrelevant, but you must be able to provide for yourself.
This is The System’s Path. Most people begrudgingly accept it because a) they believe there is no feasible alternative or b) they’re afraid to challenge what so many people accept. However, when you leave the education system, you’re presented with a unique opportunity.
For the first time in your life, you can start walking your own path. A rare few grasp this opportunity immediately. Some do so in their 20s, after they’ve left University or are frustrated with a few years spent in the world of work. Finally, some make the brave decision later in life when they have the responsibilities of paying a mortgage and supporting a family.
Undoubtedly, some of you have also taken advantage of this opportunity. You’ve identified a passion and made inroads into earning a living from this project. However, as is inevitable on this journey, you’ve encountered failures and difficulties and now you’re questioning the validity of your decision.
What do you do?
The situation is serious. Your project hasn’t been as successful as you anticipated and now you’re faced with the pressing needs of making money and avoiding the heartache of continual failure.
In such moments, you consider returning to The System’s Path. You tell yourself you could get a regular job. This would remove all your financial concerns and help avoid the challenge of continually having to grow.
Also, you wouldn’t have to put up with the stress of thinking for yourself. Just do what everybody else does. Clock in. Work. Go home. Get drunk at the weekends. Or, watch TV. Go shopping or use the few free hours a week you have to take part in your hobby. Just focus entirely on your children and forget about yourself. It’s not a bad life. You’re not in pain (yet). You just have to put up with some boredom and stress.
But is this a long-term solution?
Yes, it may alleviate your immediate financial concerns but, six months down the line, will the symptoms that caused you to break free from The System’s Path not return?
Will the restlessness not re-emerge? Will the feeling that you could be doing so much more with your life not begin to haunt you again?
It’s likely it will.
So, I ask you again, what can you do?
You appear trapped between a rock and a hard place. Continuing to pursue your dream presents further, almost unendurable, financial and emotional hardship. Returning to The System’s Path only presents a short-term solution.
To answer this question and find a solution to your dilemma, you must gain a deeper understanding of what you really seek.
Listen to your Heart
Moments of desperation, brought about by repeated faiIure, create a vortex. The trivia of day to day life disappears as you gain clarity on the bigger picture. In these moments, you’re closer to your source of guidance.
Go deep inside your mind. Slow everything down. Notice your breathing. Now ask yourself, ‘what is my heart telling my to do? What do I know is right?’
Your hearts response will always be to follow its deepest calling. Behind the object of your quest (to sell a million copies of your book, to have your product on the shelves of major retailers across the world, to win a contest) is the desire to express yourself, to give and receive love and to realise your potential. In short, to be complete.
This is what you need to remember.
Then, you need to ask yourself a powerful question, ‘can this be achieved through walking The System’s Path?’
With the daily sacrifice of your inspiration and conscience this entails, the answer is, ‘no’.
Then, you need to ask yourself another question, ‘is the dream I’m currently attempting to achieve the vehicle through which I’ll become complete?’
Don’t expect an immediate answer. Instead, it will be revealed with time. You’ll have to return to your present quest, pick up the pieces and continue along your journey.
If it’s not the correct path, you’ll begin to see signs. Others ideas will present themselves to you. Ways of achieving your dream in a manner you hadn’t anticipated will become apparent. (For example, I genuinely thought I’d only need to release one book to become a best-selling self-help author. I now realise that I’ll need a whole series.)
Remember this golden rule – you only give up on your dream when you find something more inspiring.
If you do, be flexible. Be open to what your heart is telling you. It can be hard to walk away from a project when you’ve put so much into it but you rarely leave with nothing. The lessons you’ve learned, the skills you’ve developed and the character you’ve built, will go with you into the next one and ensure your success.
Martin Luther King used this technique for guidance when doubting his path as leader of the civil rights movement during the 60s. He faced death threats, jail time, physical harm and the opposition of state governments and local police forces. In a candid passage from his autobiography, he describes the exact process he went through when considering giving up on his dream,
“I got out of bed and began to walk the floor. I had heard these things before [referring to a death threat he’d just received over the phone], but for some reason that night it got to me. I turned over and over and tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t sleep. I was frustrated, bewildered, and then I got up. Finally I went to the kitchen and heated a pot of coffee. I was ready to give up. . .
With my head in my hands, I bowed over the kitchen table and began to pray aloud. The words I spoke to God that midnight are still vivid in my memory:
“Lord, I’m down here trying to do what’s right. I am here taking a stand for what I believe is right. But Lord, I must confess that I am weak now, I’m faultering. I’m losing my courage . . .”
At this point it seemed as though I could hear the quiet assurance of an inner voice saying: “Martin Luther, stand up for righteousness. Stand up for justice. Stand up for truth. And lo, I will be with you. Even until the end of the world.”
I’ll leave you by paraphrasing Martin Luther’s message – live for what you believe is right. Stand up for what you love. The Universe will be with you, guiding you to where it wants you to be.
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3 Times I’ve had my Heart Broken and What I’ve Learned From It
I want to share something personal with you. I want to talk about an experience that’s gut wrenching, motivation sapping and, in the extreme, makes you want to give up on life.
I am, of course, talking about those occasions when your heart gets broken.
Today, I’m going to tell you about 3 times this happened to me and what I learned from the experience. However, only one of these heart breaks was caused by a failed romance.
Forgive me for stretching the definition but I feel it’s necessary to encompass all the ways in which we can have our worlds turned upside down.
You see I’m hoping some of the lessons I’ve learned can help you. Right now, you might be feeling like you can’t carry on. You might be feeling like you won’t be able to love another person, or even life, again.
If that’s the case, then I want to offer relief through my insights. They may not completely remove the pain, but they might open your mind to a tomorrow where it’s possible.
Heart Break Number 1
Let me take you back to 1992. Still not a teenager, and recently having started a new school, I got in a fight.
This was no ordinary fight though. Prior to this scrap, I had never lost. While the fights I’d had in, and outside, my previous school had been nothing more than semi-playful tussles, I took great pride in never being defeated. In fact, you could say being a better fighter than boys my age and, occasionally older, was part of my identity.
On the day of my first defeat, though, this identity was shattered. The fight itself was a trifle. A boy from my year was pulling myself, and other kids, through the meshing of a playground fence by our school ties. It caused him great amusement and, us, annoyance, so I confidently took it upon myself to stop him.
I walked round to the other side of the fence and surprised him by setting the boy he was holding free. He then turned on me with an aggression I wasn’t prepared for. We grappled for a moment and then I found myself on the floor. At this point, the blows reigned in. I instinctively covered my face as his fists struck me around the top of my head.
And then it was over. Satisfied, he walked away and I got up. Although shocked, I wasn’t in any pain. I was more surprised than anything. In front of a sizeable part of the school, I had just lost my first fight.
The effects of this loss were immediate.
I was silent on the school bus and felt incredibly awkward when I got home. It was as if I’d gone to school a man and returned an emasculated shadow.
This uneasiness stayed with me over the next few weeks and then crystallised with a change in personality. From being brave, and always ready to stand up for myself, I slowly turned into a coward who shunned challenges.
A rematch was offered against my assailant by his friends. I declined. Then, whenever I encountered him on the school grounds, I avoided him or joined a separate queue. As I progressed through the school, in situations where I should have stood up for myself, I shied away.
What I Learned:
Although it would be inaccurate to describe this experience as a ‘heart break’, it had a similar impact. My world got turned upside down and, sadly, there was no immediate lesson I learned to enable me to bounce back stronger.
Instead, all I offer is a warning. Whether dealing with physical confrontation, competition or, more likely, the many trials that life presents, there is no shame in being defeated. What you absolutely must not do, though, is allow yourself to become less willing to face challenges because of the experience.
Down this path lies a loss of self-respect. Far worse to suffer twenty beat downs and still can look at yourself in the mirror, than cower your way through life, limiting your actions for fear of reprisals or what might go wrong.
For me, I’m certain that shying away from confrontation, caused by the loss of the fight, contributed towards a hesitancy in taking bold action for many years to come.
Heart Break Number 2
Let’s move on to 2006. This time I can offer you a story of genuine heartbreak.
At the age of 26, I hadn’t had a girlfriend, date, kiss, hug or any kind of warmth or intimacy from the opposite sex in seven very long years. However, my fortunes started to change as I began dating a girl who initially came to see me for tennis lessons.
It didn’t take long before I fell in love. Her beauty, femininity, mysteriousness, and, it must be said, my lack of romance for a very long time, formed a heady cocktail that enraptured my senses.
Despite the strength of my feelings, though, our romance was embryonic. No sooner had we started seeing each (a matter of weeks), than she called it off.
There complications with her ex, she told me. I didn’t understand. How, after so many years of rejection and loneliness, could I come so close to grasping the love I longed for above all else, and then suddenly have it taken away?
It’s not fair, I told myself. Someone’s playing a joke on me.
It was no joke though. It was real and I had to accept it.
The problem was, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to focus on moving forwards. I’d lost my appetite for any kind of struggle.
What I Learned:
This experience taught me that obsessive love is unhealthy. Make one object, even if that object be a person very dear to you, the absolute centre and fulcrum of your life, and you’re heading for a fall. You can’t rely on other people as the sole source of your love and happiness because they can always be taken away from you. Instead, you must learn to build part of it from within.
Heart Break Number 3
My book won’t sell! It’s 2012, I’ve just spent four and a half years pouring my soul into my life’s work, and nobody is interested in buying it.
It’s galling enough that I have to sell it for less than a cup of coffee, can’t I be spared the humiliation of seeing a big fat zero under my sales figures when I check every Monday on Amazon?
Apparently not. It seems life doesn’t care about how hard I’ve worked. It doesn’t give much of a damn about how noble my intentions are either. The project I thought would be my vehicle to having a real and positive impact on people’s lives is failing to sell a single copy.
How do I deal with this?
Strangely enough, I don’t fall apart. Yes, I despair. Yes, I feel heartbroken at the effort I’ve put in for so little return. And no, I can’t even contemplate the thought of picking myself up and redoubling my efforts. However, something inside reminds me that I’ve been here before.
By now I’ve been tested. I’ve been battle hardened and I realise that even though my heart has temporarily been broken, my life is not over.
I still have chances. In fact, I have multiple chances to learn, grow and improve. Facing another massive rejection doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not good enough. It just means there’s more I need to learn and do to achieve the outcome I desire.
I also learn that I can make myself successful. Before I published my book, I thought it’s success was out of my hands. People either accept or reject it. However, 6 months into the process of promoting my book through blog posts and guest posts, YouTube videos, social media and speaking, I realise that I can make a dent in its success.
Although I put in way more than I get out, I can see the snow ball slowly growing. And the only reason it is, is me.
This is an interesting lesson. I have confirmation that the fulfilment of my hearts desires lies in my own hands.
Final Thought
For each heart break, I’ve recalled lessons that were specific to that incident. I now want to finish with a cohesive point.
I believe the main reasons I’ve been able to bounce back from these heart breaks (and many more) is that I’ve never lost my capacity to love or believe in good.
This is the most powerful act of defiance I can take against the disappointments I’ve experienced. To say to them, “You will not break me. You will not turn me into a twisted cynic or turn me away from the dreams I hold dear in my heart,” enables you to learn the lesson that each one of your heart breaks provides and grow stronger from the experience.
(image taken from Suzanne Schrocter photostream flickr.com)
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How your Mind is being Controlled and What you need to do to Stop it
Did you know that you only have 5% conscious control over your daily actions and decisions?
The other 95%, according to neuroscientists, is determined by your subconscious programming. This means that when you choose what to eat, perform in a presentation, compete in a contest, sleep at night and interact with loved ones, you have very little direct scope to influence the outcome.
Instead, what occurs is decided by your subconscious programming. This is determined by years of repeating certain actions (e.g. practising a musical instrument), behaviour (e.g. always choosing fatty foods) and also the beliefs you’ve adopted about yourself and the world.
There’s a problem with this 5%/95% balance. So that you don’t have to learn important skills and, even language, from scratch every time you engage in a task, you have evolved to run mainly on autopilot. However, it’s likely you’ve had little influence over part of the programming that controls you when in this mode.
Of course, you can repeat actions over and over and, thereby, learn a skill, but the proficiency with which you use that skill will be determined by your beliefs. Most of these beliefs (unless you are an exceptionally conscious being and have been since early childhood) will have seeped into your programming unconsciously.
Consider The System we’ve been raised in and you’ll see why this is a problem. We’ve been taught that so much is impossible and that we have weaknesses and limits. Furthermore, we receive conditioning through the various influential figures in our lives – parents, teachers, bosses, popular people we want to impress, girlfriends or boyfriends, religious leaders, therapists – who comment on our ability and worth. If their influence is strong enough, then we’ll believe what they say, whether their comments are true or false, positive or negative.
I hope the picture’s getting clearer. A person running largely on autopilot, receiving a large amount of negative environmental conditioning, over which (especially at a young age), they have little ability to filter out, ends up feeling powerless and frustrated.
Have you ever felt like this?
If so then I want you to know you’re not a victim to chance, God or genetics. Furthermore, your life isn’t doomed to play out the way it always has. There is a means to unlocking your potential and living the life you want but you need to be aware of The System’s manipulation.
In this article, I’m going to explain the ceiling it imposes on you and show you how to break free. For if a lack of understanding about the power of belief can shrink your opportunities, then clarity will open the gates to a life beyond your wildest dreams.
How Powerful is The Power of Belief?
The placebo effect provides the most compelling evidence of the power of belief. Throughout medical history, there are numerous documented cases of patients reporting healings, or that their symptoms have disappeared, after treatment with ‘fake drugs’ and, even, ‘fake surgery’. Of course, the patient doesn’t know this at the time. They believe they are the recipient of the correct medical intervention and respond as if it is so.
Take an example from the 2002 New England Journal of Medicine. In this case, prominent knee surgeon Dr Bruce Moseley, conducted an experiment on three groups of patients, all of whom experienced osteoarthritis of the knee.
Dr Mosely had enjoyed great success with his previous surgeries and wanted to discover exactly which part of the procedure was effective. Therefore, with the first control group, he shaved the damaged cartilage in the knee. In the second, he flushed out the knee joint, removing material thought to be causing inflammation. With the final group, he did nothing. He performed a fake surgery, making the standard incisions but carrying out no medical procedure. Of course, the final group were led to believe they’d received ground-breaking surgery and were put on the same postoperative care program as the other two.
The outcome?
The third groups knee conditions improved to the same level as the first two!
Take a moment to let that sink in. It means that belief played just as powerful a healing role as surgery.
Can your mind fathom that?
The System we’re raised in teaches us that physical injury or illness needs a physical cure. We’re like machines. If one part doesn’t work then you take it out, either replacing it with a new one or removing altogether.
Yet here we have an example proving there’s a force beyond the physical that also plays a role in healing. The mind, if convinced of the truth, can compel the body to produce a healing effect.
With this kind of power, what else do you think it could do (or more pertinently, prevent you from doing) if manipulated or harnessed in the correct way?
Let’s explore that question.
The above example was taken from a book called, The Biology of Belief, written by Dr Bruce Lipton. Further on, he provides another fascinating example but this time concerning the power of a nocebo – the reverse of the placebo effect where a suggestion or diagnosis causes illness when there was no physical cause.
In this example, a patient called Sam Londe was treated for a believed case of esophageal cancer. At the time (1974), the medical establishment believed this form of the disease to be fatal. Nothing could be done but ease the patients suffering and prolong their life before an inevitable death. His Doctor, Clifton Meador, treated him with this belief, and although initially helped Londe, was certain that the cancer would return.
Sadly, there were no surprises or miracle healings in this example. Londe died a few weeks after his diagnosis. However, there was a big surprise when the results of the autopsy were revealed.
It turned out that Londe had very little cancer in his body. There were a couple of spots on the liver, and one on the lung, but not enough to kill him. Furthermore, there was no trace of the esophageal cancer that was believed to be the cause of his death. Dr Meador told the Discovery Channel, ‘He died with cancer, but not from cancer.’
So, what killed him?
We can only conclude that it was the power of belief. The Doctor, an influential and powerful figure in society, presented Londe with a diagnosis that was not true. However, because of his status, Londe had not thought to question the Doctor’s diagnosis and instead, accepted it for the truth.
What followed was Londe’s death. Although there was not enough cancer present in his body to kill him, he’d developed a belief that there was. Due to this programming, his body was compelled (via the 5%/95% mechanism) to act upon this belief.
I’ve included these two examples in a deliberate attempt to blow your mind. I want you to understand the role the power of belief can play in your life, often without you realising it. I believe The System, either accidently or deliberately, uses the power of belief to blind you from how amazing life could be, both for you individually, and humanity.
Set the Elephant Free
Another reason for the second examples inclusion was to demonstrate the power we accredit the people The System considers influential. Do you think that if a friend told Sam Londe he had esophageal cancer and, therefore, had no chance of recovery, then his body would have responded in the same manner?
It’s unlikely. It was because the role of Doctor is so respected in our society, and seen as a keeper of knowledge that ordinary mortals do not possess, that his suggestion about the terminal nature of the cancer carried so much weight.
When you consider that Doctors are just one of many influential figures our system ascribes a significant influence over our minds, you begin to see the extent of the problem. When these voices combine, telling us how the world is, and what our opportunities are within it, a model of our possibilities is created in our minds. And much like the diagnosis the Doctor gave Sam Londe, this model shuts us down.
We no longer need the nine tenths of our brain we famously don’t access because, apparently, our possibilities are so limited. In fact, we hardly need anything at all to function in The System’s world. Just work hard and comply. Our creativity, innovation, imagination, personality and uniqueness have no purpose because we’ve been led to believe that a world where our dreams come true is pure fantasy.
So, how do you free yourself from The System’s manipulation and harness the power of belief so you can do whatever you want with your life?
This story, taken from Brett Moran’s book, Wake The F#ck Up, will point you in the right direction,
‘In Southeast Asia, elephants are still used for transportation. At the end of each day, the elephant handlers prevent them from running away by looping a thin piece of rope around one of their legs and attaching it to the ground using a small stick. Do you think the elephants, capable of moving massive loads, couldn’t simply pull out the stick and do a runner? Of course they could, so why don’t they?
When the Elephants are young they are restrained by hefty ropes and no matter how hard they struggle and pull they can’t escape. Over time they give up fighting and by the time they reach adulthood they have been conditioned to believe they can’t move when they’re tied up, even though the smallest of tugs would set them free.’
You are the elephant; wise, mighty and powerful.
Realise this, pull your rope out of the ground and do whatever the hell you want!
(image taken from DavidBlackwell stream flickr.com)
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Why the Only Thing Worth Doing is the ‘Impossible’
I was watching the film, The Gambler, on DVD about a week ago and there was a monologue in it that completely blew my mind. It was one of those pieces of dialogue, very similar in sentiment to the, ‘our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives’ speech from Tyler Durden in Fight Club, that perfectly captures the sense of disillusionment that many of us feel with modern life.
I’m going to share it with you in a moment. I believe it might shed some light on your predicament if you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, or that the options The System presents for making a living, or living a life, are barely worth living for.
Then, I’m going to present you with a solution. You see I don’t believe it’s your fate to spend your life compromising your dreams, values, opinions, free time, friendships, loves and morals. You CAN have everything you want from life but in order to start creating a life where you do, there’s one major, and The System would say dangerous, thing you have to embrace about yourself.
More on that to come. For now, read the following passage and see if it strikes a chord.
“The only thing worth doing is the impossible. Everything else is gray. You’re born . . . as a man . . . with the nerves of a soldier, the apprehension of an angel, to lift a phrase, but there is no use for it.
Here? [he’s talking about modern life] Where’s the use for it?
You’re set up to be a philosopher or a king or Shakespeare, and this is all they give you? [the options The System presents making a living or living a life]
This? Twenty odd years in school which is all instruction on how to be ordinary . . . or they’ll fucking kill you, and they fucking will, and then it’s a career, which is not the same thing as existence . . . I want unlimited things. I want everything. A real love. A real house. A real thing to do . . . every day. I’d rather die if I don’t get it.”
– Jim Bennett (played by Mark Wahlberg in The Gambler)
Have you ever felt the same way?
Have you ever felt you have all this potential (nerves of a soldier, set up to be a king or philosopher etc.) yet modern life has virtually no obvious outlet for you to realise your destiny? Instead, your adventurous nature, and all your potential brilliance, gets diluted by a school system and, after that, a work environment that just wants you to be ordinary. To follow, never lead. To carry out instructions, never think.
And what about your desires?
Do you not feel the same thirst for the unlimited as Jim? Have you never felt the stirring of your soul, telling you to go for what you really want?
I’m certain you have, and if that’s the case, then there’s an important step that you must take.
A Dangerous Gamble?
At the start of the dialogue Jim tells us that ‘The only thing worth doing is the impossible?’
What does he mean?
This – The life you truly want, the one your soul is crying out for, is seen as impossible to achieve by The System we live in.
Think about what you’re conditioned to believe from a very early age.
You’re taught that you can’t be happy all the time. You’re taught that dreams don’t really come true. You’re taught that you can’t have everything you want and that, inevitably, you have to make a lot of sacrifices.
Therefore, what Jim means is that the only thing worth doing is defying these accepted truths (the impossible) and following your soul on the journey it’s urging you to take.
This is what you must embrace! Accept and acknowledge the fact that your soul wants more than what the crappy system you live in has to offer. Embrace the fact that you want it all. There’s nothing wrong with that. The System may teach you that you’re selfish for feeling this way but how do you serve humanity when you’re a watered down, tame version of yourself?
The Consequences
Take this step and The System would have you believe you’re playing with fire. Pursue the unlimited and you’re setting yourself up for massive failure, and the destruction of all hope, as you discover that it truly is impossible to have everything you want from life.
That’s how the story goes. That’s what we’re warned of.
The evidence used to convince us of this way of thinking is the lives of millions of people on this planet.
Just look around. Do you see millions of well rounded, happy, joyous and fulfilled people walking the earth? Or do you see a substantial minority of unscrupulous SOBs who won’t think twice about harming another person, a vast majority of people who live lives ranging from quiet desperation to relative comfort and a tiny tiny minority who are self-actualized?
I’m guessing it’s the latter, and because that’s all we tend to see, it becomes hard not to believe that life being incomplete is just the way it is. And if that’s just the way life is then, the best thing we can do, the thing that will cause us the least pain, is to just accept it and get on with our lot.
But there are consequences to following this logic!
I’ve already mentioned that the film this magnificent piece of dialogue is taken from is called The Gambler, and it’s given this title because its main character (Jim), unsurprisingly, has a gambling problem. He can’t see any productive opportunity to fulfil his desire for an unlimited life so he resorts to the only escape/option that does appear available.
For him, it’s gambling. For you or someone else, it might be drugs (recreational or pharmaceutical) or sex or food or shopping or excessive escapism through computer games, films or books.
As we know, the outcome of any addiction is rarely positive but this is what could face us.
Also, when we refuse to acknowledge our soul’s calling for an unlimited life, a part of us dies. Whether it’s our inner child or the dreamer in us, that spark gets extinguished after too many years of surviving or ‘getting by’.
Conclusion
I’m sorry for not leaving you with a clear plan of action. With this article alone I can’t offer you a full solution or tell you that everything is going to be ok. However, I will leave you with this.
Dedicating yourself to doing the impossible may be incredibly hard, but at least by being honest enough to honour your desires, you end all internal discord.
Don’t underestimate the value of this. So many people live in conflict with themselves, suppressing their desires and seeking destructive outlets for a release. You, however, will remain strong.
And it’s this strength of character and refusal to accept that it’s wrong, or too dangerous, to want the impossible that is the driving force behind every social and technological advance in history.
Was Nelson Mandela wrong for challenging a government that wanted to suppress its people’s freedoms?
Was Roger Bannister wrong for challenging the established sporting and scientific opinion that the human body couldn’t run a mile in under 4 minutes?
Is Elon Musk wrong for wanting to challenge a transport industry that pollutes our planet?
Of course not and, therefore, neither should you feel wrong, or be deterred by the danger, of wanting something fantastic and significant for your life.
So embrace your desires. Don’t play small. Admit what you want and put everything you have into achieving it.
(Image taken from Celestine Chua photostream flickr.com)
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1 Weird Hack that will Massively Increase your Motivation
Do you believe in time travel?
I do!
Not in a ‘Back to the Future’ sense of the word (although wouldn’t that be cool), but I do believe in our ability to go back into our minds and memories and relive experiences from the past.
Some of you will know that, when I’m not running this website and promoting my book, I work as a hypnotherapist. One of the techniques I trained in is called Time Line Therapy.
This technique, created by NLP Master Trainer Tad James, asks the client to go back through their memories to a significant emotional event connected with the problem state they are experiencing in the present. For example, a person terrified of public speaking might go back to a humiliating childhood memory, of being laughed at, while trying to speak in front of a class at school.
They are then asked, ‘What’s the one learning that the you now, would tell the you back then, that were they to live it, would completely free them from this feeling of X (whatever the problem state might be)?’ If the client successfully embraces this learning, their subconscious is then updated and they are freed from an emotion that has been holding them back for years.
This is a simplified explanation of Time Line Therapy (and if you want a more detailed idea of how it works then watch this video of Tad James in action) but the point is that, through our minds, time travel is possible.
If you can get into a relaxed enough state, and focus clearly on a powerful memory from the past, after a while, you will be drawn deeply into that memory so that it begins to feel real.
You then have two options. You can just enjoy, or experience (if it’s a bad one), the memory. Or, you can use the Time Line Therapy question above and try to work out what you needed in order to successfully progress through what you were experiencing.
I’ve been using this hack a lot lately with some amazing results. I wander back in my mind to some key moments in my development, centered around the time when I first started getting intuitions about what I felt was my life’s purpose, and then ask this question, ‘What would I have done back then if I’d had the knowledge that I now possess?’
You see, back then, I wasn’t the person that I am now. Although I had this embryonic dream of writing a best-selling personal development book, it was also one of the darkest times in my life (I was 22 at the time and had just finished University).
I was lost and full of self-doubt. On top of that, I had these doubts echoed to me on a daily basis by careers advisers, parents and an environment of lack (lack of supportive friends, lack of my own money, lack of any contacts or ideas on how to break into the personal development industry).
As a result, my progress was incredibly slow. It was a case of one step forward, nine tenths of a step back. I doubted every decision (or proposed decision) I made and had to test the water with everything I did (rather than diving straight in, learning from my mistakes, and making progress).
With this approach, it’s hardly a surprise that the meteoric rise to the top I frequently imagined, never occurred.
But it could have done! And this is the point.
If only I’d known back then, what I know now, my progress would have been so much quicker. If I’d approached my dream with the energy that I now possess, I could have halved the time which I took to achieve it.
I don’t want you to fall into the same trap as you advance in the quest to live your dreams.
My problem was self-doubt but there could be any one (or more) of an array of problem states that currently block or slow your path. How can you tackle them?
As crazy as it sounds, by using the technique above!
Altering the Course of Your History
Right now, I want you to recall a pivotal time in your life, when you had the opportunity to make significant progress or alter the course of your life in a positive way, yet you didn’t take full advantage of it.
Drift back into the memory. Focus on where you were and what you could see. Remember the possibilities and excitement of the time. Try and recall what you were doing. You’re looking for a specific memory. The more you focus on it, the more real it will feel. Close your eyes if it helps (it probably will!).
Now ask yourself this question, ‘What would I have done back then if I had the knowledge that I now possess?’
Now see yourself doing it. Rewrite your own history and feel the excitement of putting that knowledge into action.
Then, once you’ve immersed yourself in the experience, write down your answer.
For help doing this, read the following example. It’s taken from my ‘success diary’, that I’ve been keeping since September 2002, and is an account of me going through the process outlined above.
The entry for the 1st May 2016 reads as follows:
The event I was thinking about last night was from May 2002. A month away from finishing at Manchester University, I was in the Library on the first or second floor, staring out of the window pondering my future. I was starting to feel alive again after having spent the last 3 years in another time and place. The power of my dream was calling me and I could feel the excitement of its possibilities. However, I didn’t throw myself into it wholeheartedly. There was too much doubt, delay and confusion in my mind.
If only, if only I could go back there now. I would attack my dreams full tilt. I’d have knuckled down and written my book [referring to what was to become Escape The System] in 6 months. It wouldn’t have been perfect but at least I’d have had something. I’d then have started promoting myself by starting up groups and perhaps gained a life coaching qualification. Then, as my skills developed, and my writing became more refined, I’d have got a publishing deal by 2006.
I’ve got to stop there because it’s pointless saying what I would have done. I can’t go back. All I’ve got is now. And as of today, I must approach my dream full tilt. Risk everything and don’t hold back. I can’t do anything about 2002, but, sure as hell, I can do something about today. Throw yourself into it. If these 14 years have taught me one thing, it’s that I never fail by taking risks to advance my dream. I fail when I delay and opportunities (and life) pass me by.
I highlighted my key learning (and answer to the question posed above) in bold. I’ve then taken that knowledge and lived it every day since the 1st May this year.
As a result, my motivation has increased immensely and I no longer fear cutting back on higher paying tennis coaching and hypnotherapy clients to make time to work on my greater, but less well paid (at the moment), dream of becoming a best-selling author. Experience has taught me that taking risks works and that removes any reservations I have about what I stand to lose. Therefore, my mind is clear and I’m free to act, certain in the knowledge that my actions will bring success.
Don’t Keep Repeating the Same Mistakes!
My learning demanded that I take greater risks and attack my dream with unrestrained energy.
What did yours teach you?
In whatever way you can, I urge you to apply that knowledge.
The increased motivation it provides is immense. How could it not be? Here you are, in exactly the same position as you were in the memory I asked you to recall (i.e. with an amazing opportunity to advance your life) but now you have the chance to benefit from your increased wisdom.
What could be more motivating or exciting?
You see, in some way, we do have the opportunity to go back and correct our mistakes from the past. We do it by taking on board the lessons they’ve taught us and then acting on them NOW.
(Image taken from Ape Lad photostream on flickr.com)
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The 3 Questions you must ask before giving up on Something you Love
Today, I’m writing about giving up. Ostensibly, in relation to your dreams, but what I’m about to say is just as relevant to giving up on a quest to lose weight, a relationship or even a contest, as it is to a cherished life-long goal.
Before we start, though, let me first outline my credentials. While I don’t have a track record of quitting on the projects I undertake, due to the difficulties of making a living while walking an unconventional path, I’ve thought about, and wanted to, give up on many many occasions.
I wanted to quit tennis coaching when I first started and realised that some lessons were more about controlling a bunch of rowdy kids than teaching them anything about a sport.
I wanted to quit practicing hypnotherapy many many times after I’d delivered, what I believed, was a perfect session yet the client would surprise me by saying that absolutely nothing had changed.
I’ve even thought about giving up on my dream of becoming a best-selling personal development author after spending years writing a brilliant book only to find that, initially, no one was interested in buying it.
As a result, I’ve questioned my life choices on many occasions. I’ve been down. I’ve been paralysed by self-doubt and as much as I’ve wanted to create a life that gave me both happiness and freedom, I’ve spent a large part of my early adult years questioning whether this was actually possible.
Thoughts like;
- This is just too hard.
- Wouldn’t it be so much easier if I just jacked it all in, used my degree and got myself a conventional job?
- Do all these failures mean I’m just not good enough?
- What am I sacrificing by continuing down this path which appears to have no end in sight? Might I actually miss out on the chance for love and happiness?
were to be found, at regular intervals, in my mind.
I’m imagining that your predicament is somewhat similar. There’s something you love doing, or that’s really important for you to succeed at, but you don’t seem to be making any progress. You’ve tried 100 different approaches but nothing has worked. As a result, you’re starting to question yourself. You’re beginning to wonder whether you’re just not cut out for this particular passion.
And then a painful feeling hits you. It’s a feeling of loss. The thought of giving up on this thing you love so much, although seemingly inevitable, tears at your core. What do you do?
Let me give you some advice.
Ask yourself the following 3 questions and take some time to find the answers.
I guarantee you’ll gain clarity on your situation and be in the perfect position to assess whether it’s time to move on or continue despite the odds.
1. What message would I give my child?
Sit down and get comfortable. Take a few moments to get out of the mental fog surrounding the uncertainty of your predicament. Then, imagine you have a 10 year old child in front of you. Now this 10 year old is still pretty innocent but they are starting to understand a few things about the world around them. They’re beginning to form ideas about what they want to do with their future and they’re acquiring the ability to work towards a goal and experience either the joy of having achieved it or the pain of falling short.
They look to you for guidance. They look to you for support and they look to you for wisdom.
What message are you going to give them?
What are you going to tell them regarding what they should aim for in life and how high they should set their sights?
Is it going to be, ‘Play it safe son. Don’t expect too much or you’ll be disappointed. Dreams rarely come true so it’s better to accept a moderate level of happiness and success and don’t aim too high.’
Or is it going to be, ‘You have to live for what you believe in. If you’re passionate about doing something then you MUST pursue it and find every way possible to make it work.’
I’d be surprised if it was the first statement (otherwise why bother having kids?) and yet it’s amazing how rarely we live up to our ideals. That’s why I call this question the ‘perspective shifter’. It places you outside your predicament and forces you to asks questions about what you want your legacy to your children (and the world) to be.
Often the advice you would give another is the advice you should take yourself. That’s why this question is great for when you’re feeling like the road is too tough. It forces you to look to the bigger picture. It reminds you that you must carry on with your quest because it’s the right thing to do. This should snap you out of your funk and reconnect you with the reason WHY you started in the first place. Expect a massive burst of inspiration to follow.
And if you end up telling that 10 year old to ‘be realistic’ then perhaps you need some time out. Take a break and discover whether it’s your goal that’s making you miserable (in which case it would be good to change) or you’re just getting temporarily overwhelmed by the task in front of you (it happens to all of us).
2. Have I tried Absolutely Everything?
It seems an obvious question but far too many people give up on something they love while still holding the metaphorical ace up their sleeve. You have to exhaust all of your ideas (but not necessarily resources!) before you can consider giving up.
Answer these questions:
- What contacts do I know that might help further my cause yet I haven’t approached yet?
- What new business ideas (a new book, a new product line) do I feel really excited about but haven’t acted upon?
- What adjustments to my current business line could I make to increase sales and exposure?
- What’s the one thing I’m really scared of doing, that I haven’t done yet, but I know would have an impact?
- Is there some way I can improve my skill-set (going on a course, getting a mentor, working more hours) so that I become a more proficient in my field?
When you can get through this entire list and come up with nothing (and only then), it might be time to quit and try something new. If you can find answers and, most importantly, are still in love with what (or who) you are doing, then you must continue.
Furthermore, watch this very brief video with Richard Branson. Seth Godin puts a question to him about giving up and his answer echoes my thoughts above.
3. What do I REALLY want?
Why do you want to succeed so badly, find love so much or lose weight so desperately?
Is it because of the money? Is it the companionship and to have somebody in your life? Is it to fit into your old clothes?
Wrong on all accounts!
You have a desire to achieve certain goals for one simple underlying reason – to feel good!Nothing else. You have an idea/vision of how great life will be once you have secured that goal and you pursue it in the belief that the goals attainment will make you feel that way permanently.
You need to understand this. You need to understand that your primary drive is to feel AMAZING.Then you need to understand that you don’t need goals, a girlfriend/boyfriend, to be your ideal weight etc. to feel this way. You can work on and develop your ‘feel good energy’ independently of any external stimulus.
So, what’s my point?
My point is this. When you’re feeling exhausted, desperate, that there’s no hope and low on energy then take a break. Have a complete mental, physical and emotional time out from whatever it is you’re pursuing and focus on your energy.
How are you feeling at the moment? Probably pretty bad and if that’s the case then start to build your energy.
Remember that your dream shouldn’t be making you feel this way. You should be approaching it with a sense of joy and excitement. And then remember that these feelings are what you’re really searching for in the first place – so allow yourself to feel them now.
Now how do you feel?
A lot better, right?
So how do you feel about giving up? Have you had some new ideas about how you can advance in your quest? Do you feel more motivated? I bet you do.
This happens because your focus has shifted from how difficult achieving your dreams can be to allowing yourself to feel good. Now keep going with this feeling until you either a) feel inspired to start taking action again or b) are inspired about a new project or person.
But remember this. You can NEVER give up on your quest to feel good! It is more important than any material reward you’ll ever achieve and must be worked on every day.
This should put things into perspective and help you make the correct decision to keep your life moving forwards.
Conclusion
I really hope these 3 questions have given you some clarity on your situation. I can only tell you from my own experience that, looking back, I’m very pleased I didn’t give up on my dreams during the numerous occasions I felt tempted to do so. Because I’ve stuck at the things I love, I’ve had a positive impact on numerous peoples’ lives both through my book and coaching, had some amazing and fun experiences and, most important of all, proved to myself that I have the ability to move my life forwards.
None of this would have happened if I’d given up.
What might you achieve if you just stick at it a little longer?
(Image taken from BK’s photostream flickr.com)
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