What Tyler Durden Can Teach You About The Art Of Letting Go
“Stop trying to control everything and just let go!”
– Tyler Durden
About three quarters of the way through the film Fight Club, there’s a scene where the narrator (played by Edward Norton) and Tyler Durden (played by Brad Pitt) are driving down a freeway.
It’s night, the rain is heavy and the sound of the windscreen wiper punctuates their conversation.
It isn’t an amicable one. The narrator wants to know why he isn’t being involved in Project Mayhem (the next stage of Fight Club). He wants to know what Tyler’s thinking and be abreast of all the details as this movement, which he sees himself as part owner of, grows.
Instead of answering his questions, though, Tyler teaches him a lesson.
He lets go of the steering wheel and allows their Lincoln Town car to veer dangerously onto the other side of the road.
The narrator responds frantically to this seemingly reckless move, screaming at Tyler and grabbing the wheel.
Tyler reacts by chastising him, calling him, “fucking pathetic.”
It seems an unfair response to someone trying to save their lives but there’s meaning behind Tyler’s madness.
He wants the narrator to let go. He wants him to stop trying to control every tiny detail of his life, attempting to force outcomes to go the way he wants and, instead, open himself up to the magic of life unfolding.
The reason he uses such an extreme method to teach this lesson is because the narrator is so strongly welded to control.
Society has taught him that he must exert the utmost influence over his life to keep up and be successful. He has to be on top of everything, micromanaging and stressing over whether things will go the way he wants. However, Tyler knows there’s a better way and is keen to show the narrator that, when you let go, you don’t fall, you fly.
The Greatest Irony
I’ve lived a large portion of my life like the narrator.
At the age of 17, I was obsessed with the gym. I wanted to get bigger, stronger and I wanted to look better. As a result, I trained almost every day of the week, putting my body through strenuous workouts in an attempt to achieve my aim.
Even when I went on holiday, I couldn’t take a day off.
I remember rocking up to Gatwick airport with a suitcase of dumbbells weighing me down.
My friends didn’t know what to think as it thudded onto the scale and registered at over twice the baggage allowance.
It was embarrassing. We had to spread the cement-encased-in-plastic weights around all four of our suitcases and we were still a little over.
I couldn’t let go. I was trying to force my naturally slim teenage body to get bigger and the thought of going a week without lifting made me feel insecure.
There’s something you need to be aware of when you attempt to force the outcomes you desire – you often get the reverse of what you intended.
In my case, a lack of time off from the gym was depriving my muscles of the much-needed rest that would allow them to grow. I was forcing so much that I was inhibiting my progress.
Furthermore, two months after my holiday, I got a shoulder injury.
Soon, I went from training every day to not being able to train at all. Attempting to control my development had completely backfired.
Letting Go
You may be wondering how you can apply the principle of letting go to your life.
First, you need to understand what you’re letting go of.
The need to control outcomes is a major factor but there are other areas as well.
You must let go of;
• Your obsessive thoughts
• Your fears
• Your problems
• Your mental recriminations (when you get in an argument with another person and then spend hours, or maybe days, going backwards and forwards over it, convincing yourself that you were right)
• Your past mistakes, failures and regrets
• Your hunt for the secret to success (thinking there’s one piece of information that will transform your business or life)
Holding onto any of the above drains your energy. You may think that doing so is normal, or that you have no choice, but you must rid your mind of these thoughts.
Here’s how.
The Formula
There are only two steps to mastering the art of letting go.
1. Awareness
2. Breaking the pattern
Awareness means spending more time monitoring your thoughts. Gone are the days of sleep walking through life.
You don’t need to be in your head all of the time (this would be counterproductive) but you do need to mentally ‘check in’ 4 or 5 times a day.
This will mean spending some time, on your own, in silence. If you don’t have time to sit still, this can be done while driving, cooking a meal, walking to work or walking the dog, cleaning the house or bathing.
Turn the podcast, or music, off and notice what you’re thinking.
Are impulsive, controlling thoughts occurring, regarding outcomes you want to go your way?
Are you slipping into some of the mental habits listed in the bullet points above?
After you develop this awareness, it’s time to break any negative patterns.
Again, this is fairly simple. You just need a word or action that’s going to shift your focus away from what you’re holding onto and into a neutral zone where you’re free from the grip of your negative focus.
For me, mentally repeating the words “Let Go” works.
For you, it might be easier to picture a red stop sign or some other image.
Or, if you’re on your own, you might want to clap your heads or jump up and down a couple of times.
It doesn’t really matter what you do (create your own pattern interrupt), so long as you disengage from whatever it is you’re holding onto.
The magic isn’t in the method you use. The magic is in the commitment to repeat the formula over a 3-to-6-month period and see the astonishing changes that will take place.
Near Life Experience
After Tyler lets go of the steering wheel for the second time, their car crashes into the back of stationary traffic. The impact flips them, launching the car off the road and into a ditch.
Emerging from the wreckage, Tyler hauls the injured narrator from the car. He seems euphoric and in a fit of laughter proclaims, “God damn, we just had a near-life experience.”
What does he mean?
Most people, when faced with death in a car crash or some other high-risk accident, report experiencing their entire life flashing before their eyes.
Such a moment is typically described as a near death experience so why does Tyler take the opposite view?
He’s saying that control equals death. If you’re spending the majority of your life trying to control outcomes and focusing on your problems, fears and petty grievances, then you’re already dead.
This is the space in which the narrator has been living. As a result, when he experiences the power of letting go, by releasing the steering wheel of his life, for the first time in perhaps many years, he actually feels alive.
With the lesson taught, the message is clear. Letting go connects you with the magic of life.
Final Thoughts
Do you want to experience this magic?
I’m sure you do.
It can strike in so many ways.
Letting go has helped me heal my shoulder injury, overcome IBS and overcome a lifelong case of insomnia.
It’s also gifted me with ideas for books and blog posts which have earned me money and made my life more meaningful.
Finally, letting go has helped me find unnumerable solutions to the problems I face and presented me the chance encounters needed to advance my life.
It’s helped me in so many ways and I hope it will do the same for you.
The biggest mistake you can make is to think you have to control every outcome of your life.
You can’t. You’re simply not powerful enough (no one is) and your reach doesn’t extend that far.
At some point, you are going to have to let go and let the universe in.
It will work its magic if you allow it to.
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