Tag: human behavior

The Only 2 Things I Learned From Tony Robbins

Am I a Tony Robbins fan?

Sort of. 

I’ve never paid a small fortune to go to one of his events. However, I did buy a second hand version of one of his CD courses on eBay, have watched “I’m Not Your Guru” on Netflix twice and sporadically watch him on YouTube. 

I guess it’s fair to say I dip in and out of Tony’s work. However, I still rate him as the GOAT of the personal development world (click this link to see a full run down of my rankings, with other prominent figures like Jay Shetty, Robert Greene and Jordan Peterson rated). 

Having said that, though, there are only two of Tony’s teachings that have stuck with me throughout the years.

However, just because they’re small in number doesn’t mean you should underestimate their impact.

What I’m about to reveal is a deep insight into human psychology that has made me a more skilled therapist and helped me understand myself and other people better.

Assimilate these concepts and you’ll know more than 99% of the population regarding what drives human behaviour and why most people fail to make significant changes. 

You can do A LOT with this knowledge. 

Not only will you be able to transform your own life, making a breakthrough that you’ve perhaps struggled to attain for over a decade, but you’ll have an amazing insight into the actions and choices of other people, finally understanding why they do what they do. 

Let’s begin. 

The 6 Human Needs 

American psychologist Abraham Maslow first wrote about the hierarchy of human needs in his paper “A Theory Of Human Motivation.”

He charted these needs in a pyramid, with physiological needs (food, water, shelter, safety from threat) forming the base and more complex needs (love, self-esteem and self-actualisation) coming to the fore once these were met. 

The message was clear. 

If you haven’t got access to food, water and shelter then little else matters. 

So, putting these basic needs aside (because I know that 90% of my audience have them met), I’m going to focus on what happens next. 

This is where Tony Robbins’s 6 human needs step in. 

Think of meeting them as the pre-requisite to being a balanced, happy person. Furthermore, understand that they’re going to drive your behaviour and, if you’re smart about how you meet them, you can make your life infinitely more enjoyable and avoid the neurosis’s that seem to plague far too many people. 

We’ll now look at each one of the six needs and discuss the ways in which they can impact your life. 

1. Certainty 

We all have a need for certainty.

Unless you believe you’ll have access to food the next day, your loved ones won’t suddenly abandon you and you aren’t going to be attacked when you leave your house, it’ll be very difficult for you to function as your anxiety levels will be off the charts. 

This applies to everyone. However, some people take their need for certainty too far. 

Life is inherently uncertain.

• You don’t know how someone is going to respond to your request.
• You can’t tell how many years you, or your loved ones, have left.
• You don’t know if your alarm will always go off in the morning and whether you’ll be late for work. 

But guess what? 

This is all ok.

No matter how much you need certainty, there’s something else that’s also true. 

You are incredibly adaptive. Furthermore, if you look back at your life, you’ll probably discover that some of your best experiences occurred when you let go. 

2. Variety

Needs one and two clash. 

On the one hand, absence of change is reassuring. On the other hand, things always being the same is boring and drains our energy. 

This means you must constantly juggle the first two needs. 

Having certainty is good but look to implement variety within this foundation. 

• Eat different foods.
• If you work from home, occasionally go to a café, a co-working space or maybe even abroad for a change of scenery.
• Experiment with a different sport or hobby.

All of these things prevent life from getting stale. 

Also understand that marriages and long-term relationships can lose their spark because of a lack of variety. You’re with the same person, day in day out, year in year out, and sometimes you might want a change. 

Perhaps you and your partner recognise this and are ok with an open relationship or time apart. Or perhaps you have to work hard to meet your respective needs for variety within the relationship.

Just appreciate that your need for variety can make a decades long marriage/relationship strained at times. Show understanding to yourself and your significant other.

3. Significance 

This need drives a lot of human behaviour and, unfortunately, many people try to meet it in a way that negatively impacts their life. 

Why do teenage boys join gangs when they know that a consequence of doing so could be prison or death?

Because these options are more appealing than being nothing or a nobody. 

As a part of a gang, they are something. They have a place, a role and in the fucked up world in which they operate, a level of respect. 

This need for significance, and the negative ways in which it’s met, can be seen in all aspects of human life (I believe the growth in the amount of trans people over the last 5 years has less to do with a natural inclination to be another gender and more to do with the need to be significant now that being transgender, amongst some people, is perceived as cool). 

Whatever the case, make sure you meet your need for significance in a positive way.

• Succeeding at a goal
• Meeting your own high standards for how you want to behave
• Being important to the people you love

Furthermore, don’t let your need for significance run away with you. Don’t be an egomaniac or have to dominant every social interaction or block others from succeeding because you believe it will lessen your shine.

4. Connection

Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can go it alone or that you don’t need others. 

I know, from personal experience, that this will only leave you prone to unhappiness and neurosis. 

I used to feel weak admitting to myself that I needed others. It made me feel vulnerable.

Now, I understand connection as being an integral part of my life.

I actively seek it out, knowing that it will improve all other areas of my life and reward me with some of my greatest experiences. 

5. Growth

So many people overlook this need. 

They get trapped by their need for certainty (and its cousins, security and comfort) and thereby avoid the challenges needed to continually grow. 

When meeting this need, it’s important to remember it has nothing to do with being better than other people. 

Growth is personal. It doesn’t necessarily mean being the fastest at your 5k Saturday morning park run. However, it will mean beating your personal best.

It will also mean improving at your chosen work, perhaps gaining promotion or selling more copies of your product than you did last year.

It could also mean starting an entirely new career or business. 

Don’t underestimate your need to expand and, even as you age and become less physically capable, you’ll still want to feel that you’re growing in other areas of your life.

 6. Contribution

Robbins classifies this need as a spiritual one (along with the need for growth) and the first four are needs of the personality. 

As a result, it’s a little more abstract and probably drives less of your behaviour. However, once you’ve met all five of the previous needs, you might turn your attention to helping others. 

It’s true that there are few better feelings than coming to another person’s assistance and making their life better. 

Remember this and look for projects where you can assist others and your community. Doing so might give you the feeling that you’re living your life’s purpose and be the icing on the cake of a life lived well. 

The Power Of Identity

“The strongest force in the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves.”
– Tony Robbins

How do you see yourself?

Right now, complete three I am statements about who you are.

Mine are;

• I’m a good person
• I’m a winner (an identity I haven’t quite fully adopted but one that I’d like)
• I’m a healthy person

Of course, I could also list some negative identities but that’s not the focus of this exercise.

If, as Tony Robbins claims (and my therapeutical practise tells me is true), we conform to our identities, then negative ones need to be identified, reworked and turned into positives.

If not, you’re always going to be sabotaging yourself because you can’t outwork your identity.

Take my “I’m a winner” identity, for example.

Before I began to see myself in this way, part of my identity was focused around the idea that I was a “fighter.”

You might think this is a good identity, right?

Well, yes and no.

Good in the sense that I don’t give up – It helped me put in the countless hours needed to write my first book, wrestling with line after line, getting it to the point where it was good enough to release. However, what does a “fighter” do?

They fight. But that doesn’t mean they win.

Nowhere did this play out more than in my tennis matches. I’d fight and struggle (rather than flow and conquer), often being on court for up to 3 hours, but all too often losing matches I should have won.

Something internal was preventing me from taking the final step and securing the victory.

Of course, that something was my identity. I had to remain consistent with being a “fighter.” That self assured winning edge was not always there and, as a result, I could give everything I had and still come out second best.

Hopefully this example reveals a little more about why identity is important and how it works.

How you see yourself is one of the most important factors in getting to live the life you want.

Massive success, or a life of freedom, won’t be possible without the correct identity as a foundation.

Implementing this takes introspection.

• Complete the exercise above (the 3 “I am” statements)
• Explore your identities, and the ones you want to adopt, in a journal
• Furthermore, understand that any new identity must be believable for your mind to accept it

I recently saw a client who suffered with insomnia. While discussing the issue, he said, “I’m a terrible sleeper.”

I asked him how he could ever hope to sleep well if he was telling other people this and repeating it to himself?

Afterall, his mind was programmed to conform to his identity which meant sleeping badly.  

Unfortunately, treating this issue wasn’t as easy as repeating, “I am a good sleeper.”

He baulked at the suggestion. It was unbelievable. However, after much investigation into his sleep history, what wasn’t was the identity of being an “average sleeper.”

He could believe that and, by doing so, it created the shift that allowed him significantly improve the amount of sleep he got each night.

Tony Robbins says, “Your identity is like a thermostat—it sets the standard for your behaviour. You’ll always find a way back to how you see yourself.”

Don’t dismiss the importance of identity or call it psychobabble. 

Instead, investigate the role it’s played in your life. I would be surprised if you didn’t find that it’s been secretly limiting your prospects in some way. However, armed with this new information, you should now be able to set yourself free.   

GET YOUR FREE COURSE  

If you want to discover a passion you can make a living from and overcome the fears that are holding you back, check out my free course 30 Days to Escape The System. Click here to get the course right now! (You’ll find the tips on developing belief and self-confidence fascinating!) 

Photo credit Scott Beale / Laughing Squid